Quo Vadis?

This is a picture of a gutter in a place called Annur near Coimbatore. This gutter brought back some strong memories and my eyes wandered to my ring finger. You would have heard the joke about marriage being a three ring game:  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffe Ring. This post is about the second one and it is written after 10 years of it being on my finger.  There are two pieces of jewellery that are constantly on me both have a connection to special women in my life. The first is a cross on a chain that is a gift from my mother and the second is the wedding ring. I seldom take off both however this post is about the times when the ring tried to get away! Instance 1: This happened few years ago during a trip to Tuticorin. This was on a flight from Tuticorin after the inflight meal when the attendants were collecting the trash, the ring fell off into the trash bag. I did not notice and when I did I got frantic and called the air hostess. I asked to look ...

The last time I went into a salon for something beyond a haircut was on the day of my wedding. I was literally bullied by my mum to get a facial done along with hair setting. The disaster that happened in the salon ensured that it would never happen again. Sadly lightning does strike at the same spot more than once. This time I was bullied, cajoled and kind of marched to an unisex salon for my regular haircut and a facial. Now do not get me wrong but I am not a big fan of strange people doing funny things to my face and worse putting unknown concoctions on it. Married men will know that there are certain discussions that will have only one answer and it will be seldom your own. It seemed that I had black heads and they were an extremely bad thing and had to be removed. My query of a simple soap wash resulted in a very dirty look which meant that simple soap would not do for this face. So after a decent haircut where I overheard some words between my wife and the cashier that ...

I am aware of two marriages of close friends in downward spirals and heading towards a point of no return. It pains to know that both marriages have similarities and differences and yet they are both in the same state. One was arranged the other was a love marriage but the primary difference did not matter much. I would like to share some takeaways from these weddings and what could have been better. 1.     Expect the unexpected and be prepared for not meeting expectations: Marriages go off the rails when the expectations are unmet. Usually the men go into the marriage with expectations that may be let’s say unreasonable and when these expectations are not met the cracks appear. While expectations may not be wrong in itself, they come with the challenge of being a two way street. Pause for a moment to acknowledge that the other partner also comes with his / her set of expectations and it is his / her right to feel short changed when the expectations are unfulfill...

One of the small joys of life in the mornings for me is watching my little daughter sleep peacefully. Sometimes she wakes up and spotting me nearby rushes over curls up nearby holds my hand and goes back to sleep. She sleeps secure in the knowledge that her dad is nearby and I delight in this simple joy of fatherhood. Can things change a few years down the line? Will a father despise the choice of his daughter so much that he will not hesitate to kill her for the sake of honour? Is there really any honour when this precious daughter marries or chooses to marry someone outside their circles? Can the happiness of his precious one be less important than social acceptance? Why is this craze for this silly thing called caste? Why is it important for marriage? Why will the mixing of bloodlines make a difference to people’s lives? Does a blood bank have blood caste wise? Or does a dying man refuse the organs harvested of someone of the lowest class? Why do people fear the socie...

There was this meme floating around Facebook some time ago, you know the one where a woman gets annoyed because the man was looking into his laptop and answering her questions.  Women take offense because – Men can’t multitask . Men apparently cannot hold a conversation when they fail to make eye contact and no the eyes were not trailing downward from the woman’s eyes they trail downward to the device on hand. The reason why men cannot hold a conversation – Men can’t multitask . I am not sure if women checked if the responses they got from the men was correct and suitable because they are conditioned to think that men cannot give the right response because – Men can’t multitask . I would like to think women enjoy riding pillion on bikes and the state of our roads ensures that they have an intimate ride usually. I would also like to think that these rides are interspersed with conversations or even sweet nothings. On a bike one is ahead and the other behind, one ini...

In case you missed it, it is Women’s day today. The day when businesses fall over each other with special offers for women, when the media honours women from every field many whom they may have never realized existed on 364 other days, when oh never mind, you would have got the picture by now. However well-intentioned it may be many of them are hollow and everyone seems to have an opinion either for or against the celebration. Personally I say, why not? It’s like a birthday, everyone has one and we celebrate that day even if we do not celebrate the person the other days and everyone is entitled to one more day of being celebrated. So let me first wish all the women a very Happy Women’s Day. Having done that I would like to expose one fallacy many hide behind, that men and women are equal; they are not, not always. There may be one more, men are superior to women, they are not, again not always. So if you wonder then “is the corollary right” and have expressions varying from de...

“Why do we shout when we are angry with someone even if the person is next to us? It is because when we are angry to tend to go far away from the other person even if they are standing next to us” - I remember reading this gem somewhere. Usually threats are made with a loud voice unless of course you are Don Corleone who is a reasonable man and whose threats are subtle. The point of this post is to show that arguments can be very costly and unless they are handled well can cause a lot of pain in the long run for either parties in the argument. One common type of argument is the marital one which though looks like the usual lovers tiff can get uglier because here the argument is inside the ring, the wedding ring that is. Arguments tend to go wrong when it ends as a win lose resolution. An argument can be a profitable one if it ensures that both sides win. I would like to share a cheat code with examples to the husbands to handle some usual arguments effectively with a win-w...

Too many unrelated any yet related incidents that happened this morning spurred this post. The first was the Metro Plus which had an account of people going to holiday spots for their weddings, the second was a talk show on radio that focussed on arranged and love marriages, the third and the final one was me giving a patient ear to a friend suffering in a broken marriage. Ask young women for a list of their favourite movies and “Alaipayuthe” will sneak into many lists. And the reasons are obvious, most movies end with the fairy tale ending of Happily Ever After and here is a movie that starts with the premise of the Happily Ever After and goes beyond. I have a wicked smile when I watch it with the better half and the unspoken words accompanied by the glare convey so much between us. Yes it is a movie to which people find they can relate to. Marriage then is far removed from the happily ever after aspirations, it is in fact a work in progress and a work that never gets com...

I had posted about this earlier and I mentioned that the colour of my hand will probably be in the hands of my daughter and so far she has not noticed it. But others tend to notice. The other day as I was taking a lift along with the family the lift operator kept looking at me. I did not realize its significance till he tells the wife “Akka, anna has got a nice hair style, I like it”. This was a first and even before I could flash a triumphant look at D came the rejoinder “avar style thala madhiri irukku” in case you missed that it translates to “his style looks like head”.   Well it translates that way but it means that the hairstyle looks like that of an actor who goes by the title of “thala”. I suppose that is enough said on the topic. But I do take offense just because I trail a decade or so in age to “thala” does not mean that I follow his style. I started greying when I was 18 years old. I am nevertheless very happy that a public figure is not shying away from flau...

Do you know when the act of marriage in a Christian wedding is completed? You may say when the thali is tied, or when the exchange of rings is completed or you may even think that when the groom kisses the bride. Sadly you missed the bus. In the excitement to catch the side shows that are done to satisfy the requirements of society and the people around the actual wedding gets lost and even the camera man and the parents do not notice. If you are puzzled and still wondering what I am talking about I suggest that next time pay attention when the priest who is officiating the wedding asks the bride and groom for consent, when they have said their consent with “I Do” or its variants the priest says “Since it is your …you may join your right hands…” and that ladies and gentlemen is the wedding rite. Whatever happens afterwards is part of the spectacle that we love to behold.  I like to wear a wedding band on my hand because it ensures parity between the spouses...

Another post inspired by The CBC, actually one line in a post by Bragadeesh. Trainers use the term “paradigm shift” to explain a dramatic transformation, sometimes these transformations can be earth shattering for the individual concerned as the person will undergo a very big change, sometimes the biggest change in his / her life. Falling in love is a paradigm shift. People get transformed when love strikes them and this is the love that makes lights glow, bells ring etc. Love stories keep writers, poets, movie makers busy churning out new variations of the same concept inspiring many to fall in love. In hindsight it must be one of the most fundamental feelings, a boy and a girl fall for each other. There are many definitions for love and one of the famous lines from the Bible is probably the best description of love. For those who do not know it:   1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) 4  Love is patient; love is kind; love is no...

This post is inspired by the CBC. To clarify this is an expansion of a comment I had posted to a query on why people look for arranged marriages. While the stream of comments moved the focus away from the initial question there were some strong opinions for both sides and even some who chose the third option of simply single. As mentioned earlier this post is to expand my point and so read on… (Disclaimer: What follows below are my hypotheses from observations and discussions. You are free to agree or disagree, to prove or to disprove as you please.) The rule of nature is that like poles repel and unlike poles attract for magnets. In life also it may be true. Marriage works well when it becomes a supplementary union rather than a complementary union. If I am not very clear let me explain, two vanilla ice cream lovers go to an ice cream shop, you would expect one or two vanilla ice creams to be consumed by them.   This is a complementary union according to me.   No...

I came across a very funny post on Facebook about the craziness of the English language. English has united a great part of the world and ensures that you can communicate with some reasonable effect in many areas of the world. It is a flexible language where it has allowed itself to be modified, misused to suit the local sensibilities and every other day new local contributions are being added to the English lexicon. English may have its advantages and personally I prefer the Queen’s English having grown up with it, I realize that the English language has one flaw. Well it may not be a flaw it may be that the culture does not permit it to be so. English is not a respectful language and you will notice the only hint of respect is when the Queen says “We are happy…”.   As with some of our Indian languages the first person plural is used to signify respect in the English language, with “We”, “our”, replacing the commoner’s I. We are usually respectful people and so our l...